Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
