I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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