You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
