im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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