I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
