God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
