you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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