it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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