Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
