It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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