the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
