God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
