The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
