I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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