When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Vodka?
Forever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
