the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have fence marks all over my body
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
