i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
