So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
