The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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