eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
