I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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