thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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