You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
