she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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