I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dicks are not precious.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
