I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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