I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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