We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
