Moan for me like Helen Keller
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
