omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
