I heard we made out
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
