So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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