I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
