We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
