tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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