low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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