I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
