mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
