you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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