There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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