the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
