Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
