I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
