Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
