he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
