No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He passed out mid-signature
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
