Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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