had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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