I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
