So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
