Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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